I re-surface

so the embarrassing truth, is that I've started a blog...under another pseudonym. But that blog is meant to be "work-related" and therefore, I try to avoid any personal reflectiions -- except in how they relate to work. And people who know me read that blog, expecting updates. Including people whom I now regret have access to my thoughts. This is, of course, the problem with the blog -- wanting an audience, but also feeling wary about how much one reveals, and whom you allow that access. Very complicated.

Yet, this blog was started as an outlet for emotions, and now that I find myself back in a romantic maelstrom, of disappointment and expectations, and all sorts of messiness, I crave the semi-public outlet. All well and good, though the reality is that this blog is read even less than the "work" blog (which is barely read at all!). So is this again an exercise in self-pity/an outlet for things that rattle around in my head without expression elsewhere? The irony is that I'm an incredibly direct and forward person. It seems no matter how much I try to make things transparent and clear, I still am miscommunicating, or expecting things from people, that they don't seem to want or care about. A bit exhausting. And I am getting older, so the patience for these ebbs and flows seem so much harder. Loving people is starting to take its toll, even as I want to believe that it's important.